Sunday, January 02, 2011

Torture a Critic


As many critics will say, the best part of the job is getting paid to see all these wonderful movies. The worst part is that you have to see a lot of movies that are garbage. Until we have the blessing/curse of being full-time critics, we have to pick and choose which movies we have the time and money to watch. In other words, we prejudge the movies we have no desire to watch and then usually skip them - just like most people. It's kind of nice as a matter of fact. Nonetheless, in the spirit of camaraderie with the few remaining full-time critics, I have decided to expand my film-watching habits....if only a LITTLE.




I have decided to pick a list of 5 movies that under normal circumstances I would not watch. Not only would I choose to just not watch them, but I'd likely try to actively avoid them. Now, I'm not going to watch all of them - that would of course be asking too much. Of course. But instead, the plan is to have all y'all vote for the one that you'd like for me to watch. The film that gets the most votes after a couple weeks, I'll force myself to watch and write about...albeit reluctantly. I'd admit that my reasons for avoiding some of these movies can be weak. But that's part of the reason I'm doing this - to hopefully find that I was wrong (Although that's not going to happen. But it might. Even though it probably won't). Assuming all goes well enough, I'm going to try to regularly have these kinds of polls. But that's because I can be a bit of a masochist. On to the list and my presupposed reasoning!

1). Teeth (2007)



This movie basically sounds like a Lifetime movie with teeth (pun definitely intended). It's sole purpose seems to be making you squirm and be grossed out. And I'll assume you know we have higher standards for horror movies around these parts. Men are pigs and assume women are defenseless blah blah blah. There better be something more to it than that.

2). A Walk to Remember (2002)



Countless parodies have taken from this movie. Is it the trite story? Bland characters? Total simplification of high school, relationships, and love? If you really want me to find out, I guess I will. But if I come out of this thing and go on a murderous rampage, then you're to blame. Damn you, Nicholas Sparks!

3). S. Darko (2009)



When I watched Donnie Darko, I thought it was either great or the thesis project from a student getting a BFA in filmmaking. I settled on the latter. No substance, only the vain attempt at making something "dark and cool and mindblowing." And so I assume the sequel is only a worse version of the same.

4). Precious (2009)



Precious seems to be the kind of movie that full on assaults your emotions. It doesn't earnestly guide you to genuine catharsis and insightful points. Instead, it will manipulate you with overacting and deceptive storytelling. In doing so, it actually accomplishes the opposite of what it intends. On second thought, you probably don't have to vote for this one...

5). The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)



I'm not going to dignify this one with any reasoning.


SO, pick one movie and mention it in the comments for this post or on Facebook or Twitter. Then I'll do the deed. I've got a bad feeling about this.

18 comments:

Joe Lavers said...

I was going to pick "Teeth" until I saw "The Hottie and the Nottie." Good luck, sir.

Lulu Bean said...

S. Darko....I'll only say this: I want those 103 minutes back.

Steinar said...

S. Darko

Paul said...

Precious!

Steve said...

Precious!

Anonymous said...

I think "teeth" will produce the best review. The rest are too easy.

Zak said...

A Walk To Remember..you should suffer the wrath of Nicholas Sparks

siggi_magg said...

Precious

Anonymous said...

Oh, how PRECIOUS.

Reido Bandito said...

Oh man, I'm getting a bad feeling about this...

But do keep the votes coming!

Reido Bandito said...

And Siggi, why aren't you writing more for us?

More importantly, why aren't you in America?

Haukur V said...

Precious!

PS: Teeth is pretty tame. Not a good film though.

Laurel said...

Precious

Dieter said...

i gotta go with A Walk to Remember. Nick Sparks is going to show you that men can write lifetime movies too. except not the cool ones. like The Babysitter's Seduction where the dad from 7th Heaven butt rapes Felicity. That shit was a WB nightmare!

Anonymous said...

Reido, I would LOVE to hear your take on A Walk to Remember.

~Sarah (formerly of the Duplex D persuasion)

bob said...

A viewing to remember would be my vote Reilo.
Good luck mon.

ross charles said...

Why don't you just chew on a pack of used Energizers for a few hours?

I take two weeks from the internet and you guys go post-crazy. I don't have time for this!

But maybe I do.

Anonymous said...

hey guy: P.r.e.c.i.o.u.s.