Monday, October 25, 2010

Top 5 Most Annoying Child Characters

If you know me, then you know I'm always saying that children are our future. (Ahem). Hopefully not these children though. I don't necessarily believe that a single (child) character can ruin a movie. Nonetheless, watching each of these movies I found myself cringing whenever said characters would come onscreen. It's not so much the actor's fault as the director and screenwriter's.....Nah - actor's fault too.

Honorable Mention: Junior, Problem Child's 1 & 2To be honest, I haven't seen either of these movies in quite a while. And when I was a kid, I did like them more or less. I mean, the first one has Michael Richards as a serial killer - WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? While I do get that the point of these movies is to have a less than likable titular character, perhaps the filmmakers were a bit too successful. One of the reasons I haven't gone back to watch these movies is that, as an adult, I think I'd hate Junior. If you think you're against corporal punishment, just watch these movies.

5). The Boy, The Road

So in the movie, the Boy is meant to be some kind of manifestation of purity and goodness in a world overwrought with despair and ugliness. And he is that. However, given that he's been surviving in the post-apocalyptic world for his entire life, I'd expect him to be a little worse for wear....and tougher. Each time something bad happens it's like he didn't know it was possible. Really? I'd imagine things like cannibalism to be the 2nd lesson you'd learn growing up here. Right after, "Don't talk to strangers." OK, so he had a messed up childhood. But what's with all the crying? Oy!

4). Michael Hawks, Over the Top

How annoying can a character be? Imagine growing up and knowing this kid. He's incredibly uptight and prissy. And he won't stop complaining about his dad. His dad is a). Sylvester Stallone, b). a trucker, and c). an arm wrestling champion. So what if you come from a broken home? So does everyone else in the world! In fact, most kids would try to get their parents to divorce just on the off-chance that their mom might marry this kid's dad. Well, maybe not. But probably. I thought he was supposed to be in military school? Quit crying and buck up!

3). Joshua Waits, Troll 2

Troll 2 has any number of issues which have been documented many other places (Nilbog? Vegetarian goblins? POPCORN!?). However, the thing that grated me the most was this child's inability to do anything remotely productive. You're being tormented by "goblins" whom all seem to be shorter and slower than you. What do you do? CONTINUALLY CRY OUT FOR THE GHOST OF YOUR DEAD GRANDFATHER TO COME SAVE YOU?!?! WHAT!? While it is kind of cool that this works a few times, how about walking into your room and picking up your little league bat. Then you walk outside and break open some goblin skulls. Then you show a dead goblin to your family so that they can help you. Duh.

2). Anakin Skywalker, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace

So I imagine for many people this role would be #1 on their own lists. And I fully understand that choice. People had been waiting for years to see the formative years of the most feared man in the galaxy, and they get....this. Of all the characters on this list, here I most overtly question the casting. Jake Lloyd should never have been given this role. I'm sorry. It's not his fault. Most adult actors have trouble reading scripts written by George Lucas, so a vaguely inexperienced child actor would not do. Actually, I'm not sure any child actor would do for this role. Lucas probably should have had Robert DeNiro, Tom Hanks, or some other high caliber actor digitally transformed into the physical appearance of a child for the role. Maybe they'd be able to pull of at least a workable performance. Maybe.

1). Francis Robinson, Swiss Family Robinson

(Not a pic from the movie, but close enough)
As a kid, this was one of my favorite movies. I loved watching it. Yet, even as a child, I knew I hated Francis. He's the kind of child that caused doctors to dream up ADD - just so they'd have a "medicinal" reason to dish out Ritalin to their own kids. He's also a reason I'm in no hurry to ever have a child. Listen kid, you very well should have died several times on this island, but for some reason you survived everything that happened to you. Instead of tempting fate, why not just calm down and maybe learn a trade. Put all that energy to use. If I were his father, I'd seriously consider strapping an ox-plough to his back.

Phew. To level ourselves out after all that, I think we'd better watch this video:


e said...

ha ha... thanks for the video at the end.

Reido Bandito said...

yeah thanks....I was actually looking for the clip from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia when they sing it....or when Zach Galifianakis has a children's choir do a rendition...but I think this one worked out well enough - in a different way

Oli Wan Kenobi said...

what annoys me the most about the casting of Jake Lloyd is that they show you the other kid that almost was Anakin instead of him. Way better as I recall. And I also remember Lucas saying something like " yeah,we knew x could do his lines right on the money each take and it would take Jake maybe 10 takes to get a good one, but that good one would be better than x's performance..". How in the hell did that kid turn out a worse performance in THE FILM than kid X did in rehearsal. And I'm not even a huge Star Wars guy. Irksome stuff.

Reido Bandito said...

Hmmk. Irksome indeed

Ham said...

Funny stuff, but how about Short Round from The Temple of Doom? No one ever seems to complain about that annoying kid. He's been getting away with it for years.

Reido Bandito said...

Ya know, I kind of like Short Round, but I understand your point. Mostly I just like imitating him.

Tam said...

Thumbs up for no.5! I have infinite patience for Viggo Mortensen, but this time I was actually getting seriously annoyed with him for not slapping the kid around. As much as I am against corporal punishment, there are limits. Running after strangers when you've been told to stay put and making a racket when you should know by now that a peep could get you killed are some examples. Innocent is one. A frikking disobedient waterworks liability is another.
Loved the post, thank you!

Reido Bandito said...

Thanks for reading!

Mela said...

I haven't seen The Road, but by the sounds of it, the Boy in the film is much like the Boy in the book. So maybe it's not Kodi's fault, nor Hillcoat's or Penhall's fault, but rather Cormac McCarthy's fault!

Reido Bandito said...

I'm entirely fine with blaming McCarthy.... The bastard!

Torvic Christopher said...

Well the Boy in The Road is what I hope we have in us as human beings. If you do not believe that, that is your right to your reality but it is a dry, hollow reality. I prefer to believe the Boy would be better than the world around him just because he is human and he is a Boy.