Sunday, October 18, 2009

Film or Movie?

Here's a helpful guide for distinguishing "films" from "movies," at times a tricky task. This is from The Film Snob's Dictionary (2006).
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It's a MOVIE if it makes the cover of Premiere.
It's a FILM if it makes the cover of Cahiers du Cinema.

It's a MOVIE if it's black-and-white because it's old.
It's a FILM if it's black-and-white because it's Jarmuschy.

It's a MOVIE if it has T&A in it.
It's a FILM if it has penises in it.

When Billy Crystal gets the urge to direct, he makes a MOVIE.
When Clint Eastwood gets the urge to direct, he makes a FILM.

It's a MOVIE if its makers slipped lots of amusing stuff into the end-credits so you'd stay behind to watch them.
It's a FILM if its end-credits are normal, boring end-credits, but everyone around you stays to watch them anyway.

Bruce Willis, a MOVIE guy, gained FILM credibility by being in Pulp Fiction.
Steve Buscemi, a FILM guy, gained MOVIE credibility by being in Armageddon.

It's a MOVIE if there are black people in it, unless the black person is Forest Whitaker or Jeffrey Wright.
It's a FILM if there are Asian people in it, unless the Asian person is Jackie Chan or Jet Li.

A John Grisham novel becomes a crappy MOVIE.
A Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel becomes a crappy FILM.

It's a MOVIE if its male lead is hurled through plate glass.
It's a FILM if its male lead has sexual urgings for young boys, his sister, or his mother.

The Coen brothers are MOVIE buffs who make FILMS.

It's a MOVIE if it's preceded by a trailer for the latest Jerry Bruckheimer epic.
It's a FILM if it's preceded by an announcement from a pear-shaped, balding man down in front who identifies himself as "Michael, the programming director."

It's a FILM if it's from the Indian subcontinent, even if the people in the Indian subcontinent think it's a MOVIE.

Tom Waits will never, ever star in a MOVIE.
Tom Hanks will never, ever star in a FILM.

1 comment:

agust symeon said...

Hah. That's great. It's funny though, how the line between the two can blur. Cahiers du Cinema (ultra-FILM guys) were, after all, responsible for making us think of American genre pictures as FILMS rather than "just" MOVIES.