Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Bizarre news of the day

As movie nerds have probably heard, Robert Rodriguez is producing an upcoming "restart" of the Predator franchise. Darkhorizons today revealed the main players, many of which are pretty bad-ass, including the coolest and meanest Mexican tough-guy of all times: Danny Trejo. But the two lead roles are totally bizarre. In the lead, as a tough-as-nails bounty hunter, is that action superstar, that macho icon, that supercool tough guy, Adrien Brody...



ADRIEN BRODY?!?!?!?

Wait for it, dear readers, it gets better by the minute. Grab a glass of scotch and get ready for a further doze of the ridiculous. Starring alongside him is the ├╝bermensch himself, the pimp-daddy of bad-assery, Topher Grace...



That's right. That dude from That 70's Show.

We go from Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers and Jessie Ventura to Adrien Brody and Topher Grace? What is happening to the world? Do these people have no decency? How are these guys going to fight predators? With lovable sarcasm and existential angst? That just doesn't fly. You need rocket launchers, nerves of steel and a superhuman physique to stand a chance against the predators. What about Danny Glover, you ask, that unlikely hero of Predator II? Well, that's my point exactly. That movie could suck a golf ball through a garden hose (except for a masterful performance by Gary Busey, who is always fantastic). This is obviously the death-knell of macho cinema, where a man can be a man and see muscle-bound bad-assess like Arnold and Apollo Creed kick some alien ass. Those of us who grew up in the 80's are just now realizing how good we had it. It's no wonder young men today are all turning into metrosexual sissy boys when all we have to offer are Adrien Brody and Topher Grace to defend the earth. These are tough times, ladies and gents.

As a closing note, I would like to mention that the demi-god of awesomeness, Sylvester Stallone, is about to unleash upon the world a film of such masculinity and action that grown men will weep and women and children will hide under their beds. I am, of course, referring to the soon-to-be released The Expendables. Since the Hollywood of today can offer us nothing tougher than Brody and Grace, Sly himself will show us the true meaning of action along with those other dukes of kick-assery, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3 comments:

R Logan L said...

well, at least we'll probably get to see one of Brody or Grace get massacred (I'd assume Topher....maybe he'll be the next Bill Paxton).

agust symeon said...

GAME OVER MAN... GAME OVER!!!

Haukur said...

"How are these guys going to fight predators? With lovable sarcasm and existential angst?"

My Egils Appelsin came out through my nose!